My Little Duke

My weight, and me - Part 3

Dieting, Food, MotherhoodSteph DukeComment

Anyone who has been around these parts long enough will know that I wrote two blog posts (a very long time ago!) about my dieting journey from when I was 19, through to being pregnant at 27. You can read part one here and part two here.

I can’t apologise enough for leaving you hanging! I wrote those posts during a very different season of life – one where I had little or no time to blog. I’m going to attempt to do two things in this post; try and bring you up to speed with where I’m currently at, and give you an insight into those last few months of pregnancy along with my post-partum weight loss. I hope that’s ok?!

I left part 2 on a rather sombre note … and things just didn’t get any easier for me as the months progressed. I was extremely unhappy. I felt alienated from my own body and didn’t know who I was anymore. Matt was coming to terms (in his own way) with his soon-to-be fatherhood and we just didn’t talk about our issues. We had a rough few months that ultimately scarred my overview of my pregnancy with Phoebe. Unfortunately, I don’t look back fondly on that time … and it makes me really sad. I won’t give you the details, but I would be more than happy to chat through my experience 1-1 if it’s something you’d like to know more about.

 6 months pregnant at my brother and sister-in-law's wedding

6 months pregnant at my brother and sister-in-law's wedding

As my due date approached, I was more than ready for the pregnancy to just be over. Writing these words absolutely breaks my heart. Pregnancy should be a time full of joy and hope, yet I battled continuously with feelings of insecurity and hopelessness in my mind, and feeling completely out of control of my body – I couldn’t cope with it. I was actually (believe it or not) physically unrecognisable by the end. A close family member didn’t even recognise me out shopping about a week before I gave birth - I had to affirm to them that it really was me! Plus, the endless stream of comments on how big my bump was and those sympathetic stares was enough to nearly put me over the edge. I hibernated at home for the last few months, only venturing out if I absolutely had to.

When labour finally came, it was like the sour cherry on top of a bad cake. (Except getting to meet my Phoebe - that was the most incredible moment of my whole life!) But, keeping with the context of this post -labour ... was horrendous. When I tried to document it, it turned into a 5 part series (!) – you can start to read it all here. I came out of labour stapled together and in more pain than I thought was ever possible. Post-c-section pain was crippling and my recovery was incredibly slow. Having had such a big belly, the weight of that over my scar was heavy, and always present. It took a few weeks for me to get anywhere near back on my feet.

 Phoebe's first outing on Christmas Eve 2014 - still very swollen and sore.

Phoebe's first outing on Christmas Eve 2014 - still very swollen and sore.

Phoebe was born on December 16th and I was back at Weight Watchers the first week of January. (In hindsight, I know I should have given myself more time.) I didn’t weigh myself during pregnancy as I had allowed myself some time off the scales while trying to conceive: to alleviate some pressure I was putting on myself and give myself a break. Even before I found out I was pregnant I knew I had a little extra weight on. So as I stepped on those scales, I felt physically sick. I had 4 stone on. From that moment, sheer determination kicked in. Now, it was time to take back control. Pregnancy forced all control clean out of my hands and now … I would be taking it back, by force. This all reads very melodramatic, but it’s an accurate portrayal of my feelings in those moments. Fourth trimester hormones probably didn’t help matters either!

 February 2015

February 2015

 Our first Mother's Day together March 2015

Our first Mother's Day together March 2015

 May 2015

May 2015

 April 2016

April 2016

 Summer 2016

Summer 2016

 Summer 2017

Summer 2017

I breastfed Phoebe until she was almost 9 months old - looking back … I don’t know how my body produced enough milk for her. It was a hard few months as I was as stubborn about losing weight as I was about nourishing Phoebe, and there was a definite conflict of interest there! I followed the Filling and Healthy plan the whole time I breastfed as it encouraged wholesome food options that suited breastfeeding. I honestly don’t know how I stuck so rigidly to it. Phoebe was a good baby - that definitely helped. But, I was adamant. Any of you who have dieted successfully will know that you’ve got to just be ‘in the zone’ – wholly committed to the cause and implementing action daily. I was enjoying the control I had regained, both over my body and with food, and once I saw the fruits of my labour I was (once again) hooked.

In my previous posts I alluded to the dedication required to lose weight. It’s no easy feat – no matter what stage of life you are at. Yes, some times are easier than other times (age/weight dependent etc) but ultimately … it takes great self-control and sacrifice. It’s a well-worn path for me. Almost 10 years of calorie controlling can’t be good for a person! I know that my brain has now been wired to think a certain way when it comes to food. I also know that I have to re-wire some new pathways to renew and transform my thinking.

Thankfully (for me) I lost the 4 stone. I’m currently at a healthy weight, once again, for my height. I only had a wee shaky period when I went back to work full-time. I was stressed and under-eating as a result. If I couldn’t control the situation or workload – I was sure as hell going to control something! No hard guess that it was food. But now, from the outside, I probably look to be a healthy weight. Yet, on the inside, I have such a long way to go. I guess I’m writing this as both acknowledgement of how far I’ve come and a declaration that there’s still plenty of work to do in this area of my life. But also, as a virtual ‘me too’ to you reading - if any of this resonates with you.

I step on the scales almost every single morning.

Yes. I do.

It is absolutely not something I advocate.

It is habit.

Thankfully I don’t let the numbers on those scales dictate my mood like they used to. It just keeps me in ‘check’ if you like. I’ve still a long way to go! I’m a work in progress and I have a suspicion that I’m not alone in these thoughts/issues.

My faith and identity in God are huge factors in any progress I’ve made to date in my dieting journey. It is only with His strength and power that I can overcome and walk into complete freedom. I know it’s coming … and SOON. I’d love for you to be part of that overcoming (if you’d care to share your journey with me.) Can I also possibly recommend another blog for you to read? … my friend Zoe (@nest_and_gather) recently documented her own journey – you can read it here.

Just know this today ... you are never alone. Social media can make lives look all shiny and wonderful ... no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors. 

 I live too close to Lidl!

I live too close to Lidl!

Let me finish by clarifying that all these yummy pastries you see me scoffing on my insta-stories – they usually mean I don’t eat lunch! Lots of you have asked me how I can consume such nice treats and stay ‘thin’ – truth be told, I’d almost always rather eat something sweet than have a proper meal. I’ve always been like that! NOT HEALTHY – I know! I’m working on that too! I also have a really poor diet and that needs to change. 

I’d really love to hear your thoughts and experiences in this area. It’s something I’ve struggled with for such a long time now and can empathise entirely with you. As a mum too, I am so conscious of what I do and say around Phoebe. If I ever thought that she would feel some of the feelings I have felt about my body – I’d never forgive myself. I want to role model a healthy and happy attitude to food, not a constrained or cautious one. Our society and social media will do enough damage to our young girls and women  - I never want to add fuel to that fire. My prayer is that I can learn to swim upstream, go against the grain and find my value and worth in Him, not in a number. 

 NYC February 2018

NYC February 2018

Bless you my lovelies,

Steph xo