An email pinged into my inbox on Sunday morning and it hasn’t been far from my thoughts ever since. It was a message from a follower on instagram, asking for a little advice on managing depression. The email referred to a post I’d made a while back where I’d mentioned coming off my anti-depressants.

I was diagnosed with depression in January 2019, having suffered unknowingly for around 4+ years previous. I was put on a course of anti-depressants and spent 6 weeks with a (wonderful) CBT counsellor.

My decision to come off the meds after a year was a swift one. In one moment I just knew I had to come off them. It was a gut feeling, and any ‘gut’ feeling tends to usually be a God-feeling – one I don’t ignore! The pills absolutely served their purpose and it was imperative that I was on them for that season. But, I was beginning to use them as an excuse for certain negative behaviours/thought patterns, and at one point, I even toyed with seeing if the doctor could increase my dosage.

Learning my triggers, and giving myself permission to invest in other forms of ‘medicine’ have been instrumental in my healing journey. I’m becoming increasingly self-aware (in a positive way) and leaning into my emotions (*mostly* without letting them overwhelm me). I’m so thankful to be able to say that I’ve now been pill-free for 3 months, but it is also really important to say that there have been some really hard days. As I wrote my email response, I realised just how far I've come, how thankful I am, and also how much work I still have to do. It also unearthed some questions … does depression ever really 'go away'? Can we experience total and complete healing in the area of mental health? I’m certainly praying and believing for healing!

Before coronavirus, the mountains were my medicine. If I felt a familiar negative feeling begin to creep up on me, I’d head straight to the hills at the earliest opportunity. I’d make my ascent, concentrating only on putting one foot in front of the other, and upon reaching the summit … I’d just breathe. Each breath that I take up in those mountains is life-giving to me. There’s a closeness to God that I don’t feel anywhere else, and a greater capacity in my lungs to inhale that mountain air and to exhale all my negativity. Someone said that “big problems seem like small problems” in the mountains, and I wholeheartedly agree. Up there, I get a whole lot of space and perspective.

View of Doan, Mourne Mountains, March 2020

This week I watched the first episode of the BBC documentary, ‘The Chronicles of Mourne’ and almost bawled like a baby. I miss the mountains. I miss them so, so much. They have been at the forefront of my recovery, and the key to me keeping my sanity. Not only do they exercise me physically, but they also fill me up spiritually, and clear my head. I always come home feeling lighter and better equipped to deal with life. Truly, the mountains have this profound effect on me. I am probably a weirdo – sure I know that anyway! But, in trying to explain how I’ve been ‘coping’ with depression, the mountains have 100% been my main strategy.

Solo hike Feb 2020, view of Bearnagh in the background

I should really correct that last sentence though … the mountains had been my main strategy. Fast forward 6 weeks or so and my weekly jaunts up the mournes have been non-existent. I’m not allowed to get in my car and drive further than my local store for necessities. Hiking is not a necessity. Yet, when I was watching the camera pan over those hills on the documentary, hiking certainly felt like a necessity to me! What I have gleaned from my mourne rambles – those done alone and done with friends – I just simply cannot put into words.

So without my mountains, how the heck have I been ‘coping’? Well, I’ve turned my attentions to our garden. It’s easy to do that when the weather is as glorious as it has been! Gardening is therapy - there is no doubt about that! Thankfully, both Matt and I became a little more green-fingered last summer and we are reaping the benefits of our hard work now. It’s been such a blessing to be able to enjoy our garden springing into bloom in these days. We’ve repainted our shed and fence, and are currently in the process of sowing and growing some fruit, veg and herbs for the first time! Our little garden has brought us both great joy during lockdown, and we hope it will continue to do so as we head into the summer months.

Furthermore, lockdown has seen me dusting off my old running shoes! I wouldn’t really call myself a runner - give me hiking over running any day! But my parents live right by a little side entrance to the most beautiful country park, and any time I’m dropping something off or picking something up, I’ll leave my car at my folks’ house, slip down a little forest trail and into the park. I can run 8-10k over mixed terrain, and enjoy wonderful scenery without fear of running into people. I tried running the footpaths in town where I live, but it was a nightmare having to run back and forth across the road to avoid the many walkers. I ended up even more stressed out and anxious! Once I’d run in the country park, I made it a priority to schedule one or two runs a week there. Some weeks, that’s been easy to organise, and other weeks, it’s just not been possible. I’m still learning to be ok when I don’t get out for my exercise!

On April 14th however, my 32nd birthday, I made sure to get a run in. I remember coming back towards the side entrance and checking my watch, only to find I was under my previous time for the same distanced run. I made a mad sprint for the finish, pounding the path back up through the forest, running into my folk’s driveway with my arms thrown up in the air, fist pumping the sky! That was a good moment. And it’s moments like this one that are making ‘managing’ depression that little bit easier.

Moreover, I have never been more thankful for my Neal’s Yard Remedies business. Being able to continue to work from home, to continue to make online sales and to join in with zoom meetings/training has been invaluable during lockdown. In fact, April has probably seen me achieve my best ever monthly results for this wee business! I cannot tell you how appreciated each and every order is, and how incredibly grateful I am, especially in these days. It is also a much welcomed ‘focus’ away from the never-ending mum and teacher duties. Having previously contributed a full-time teacher’s salary, it is really important that I feel that I am still contributing something financially for our family. If I feel that I’m not doing that, my mental health is also struggling. There really has been no better time to run your business from home, and I would be a poor saleswoman if I didn’t give you opportunity to read more about joining my blue bottle family here. (We’ve a brilliant offer running in May and I’d love to welcome you!)

Work aside, the simple act of utilising and enjoying time has also been therapeutic. Doing things more slowly and more mindfully. Making the most of having little to no time constraints, no need to be anywhere or do anything. We went foraging for wild garlic and made some fancy wild garlic chicken pasta … just because we could. We picked dandelion heads and made dandelion honey … just because we could. We’ve baked buns, banana bread, cookies and muffins … just because we could. We’ve let Phoebs stay up late and we’ve watched Disney movies together … just because we could. I’ve completed a crossword, put on a face-mask and sat in a sunny spot in the garden with a glass of wine … just because I could. These small and simple things have made a significant impact on my ability to cope. And now I wonder why we haven’t done many of things before lockdown?! Time is truly a gift.

Looking after your mental health during life in lockdown is very different to looking after your mental health during ‘normal’ life. It is imperative to remind ourselves that life at the moment is far from ‘normal’. Marriage, parenting, homeschooling, working from home … everything has changed. All our relationships and rhythms happen under the very real and very dangerous threat of coronavirus. This has huge implications for us all, and indeed for mental health.

As we continue to walk into several more weeks/months of uncertainty, I’m adding a few little additional tools into my mental health toolkit.

1. More devotional time

Every weekday at 8.30am my church pastor leads a 10 minute, live bible study on facebook. Getting into God’s Word with many of my church family each morning is a pretty good way to start any day! I’ve managed to catch most of these devotionals and they have had such a positive impact. Going forward, I’m aiming to start each day this way.

2. Oils

As I mentioned above, I’m a consultant with Neal’s Yard Remedies Organic. This means that I have access to a wealth of knowledge on essential oils. I diffuse oils on the daily but would love to learn more about nature’s little powerhouses. Essential oils can be wonderful aids to our holistic health and wellbeing – when used in the correct way! My knowledge is certainly limited and I’d love to learn how to harness their powers in a more effective way in my home and for my health.

In conclusion, please hear my heart when I say that I do not have my mental health sussed - far from it - but, I’m sharing a little of my journey in the hope that it can encourage someone else on their own road. It is a season of life that I have been walking through and continue to walk through - some days successfully, other days … not so! But I have faith and hope in a God who is bigger than depression, bigger than coronavirus and bigger than you or I can even comprehend. He is my rescuer and my victory!