Feeling stirred in my spirit to share a few thoughts that I’m having at the moment and shed a little light on where I’m at. As always, my aim through this blog is to share some of my own personal journey with you in the hope that it might be a virtual “me too”, an encouragement, or just words that help you feel like you aren’t alone. More and more through my little space online, I’m also trying to point to Christ and the hope I’ve found in knowing and trusting Him. But also trying to reassure you that I don’t have it all figured out and every single day I’m having to CHOOSE to work hard on that relationship. It’s a battle that on some days … I lose.
It’s ironic that I used the song “It is Well” on some of my Instagram stories this morning, specifically the lyrics, “It is well with my soul”. My soul did not feel well this morning. Another classic example of why social media projects images and lives that just aren’t reality. Posting that story this morning was an attempt by me to try and make things well. (I’m an expert at ‘trying’ and ‘doing’ but not finding the real solution to the problem.) A Neal’s Yard diffuser and worship music is certainly a good attempt at making things well - don’t get me wrong – but what I needed was to open my bible and start a conversation with God. (He is ALWAYS the solution to my problem.) I needed to come and sit next to Jesus and just ‘be’. I needed to stop striving, doing and trying, and to just talk to Him. To tell Him that I’m overwhelmed by the tasks, and feel weary from overthinking the battlefield tactics. My soul wasn’t well because I knew I wasn’t right with God.
When I finally did choose to sit a’while with Jesus (after a mama meltdown and some tears) I read several timely reminders that I want to share with you. The first was this:
‘The world tells us fulfilling every desire in every moment is a sign of happiness and freedom, but I can say from experience that ignoring spiritual disciplines leads to chains, not freedom.’
She Reads Truth Bible notes p.1920
I’m just home from a busy but lovely week of holidaying with family and hosting my very first spiritual retreat. I feel a bit like I’d ‘escaped’ my battlefield for a week – let me explain.
Most of you know that since quitting my teaching job I’ve been navigating this new road. It’s a road I never expected to be on and one I feel unprepared for! I’d trained to be a teacher - I did the lesson plans and prepped the schemes of work. But marriage, motherhood, writing/curating/maintaining blogs, creating social media content, leading retreats … NONE of these do I feel prepared for. And that’s ok. It’s just the control-freak in me that drives me to try and achieve levels of perfectionism that aren’t healthy, and to try and tick all the boxes before I feel like I can perform a task.
But out on the battlefield there’s no time for that. There’s no time to look around at how everyone else is winning or losing. No time to make sure my ‘I’s are dotted and ‘T’s crossed. There’s no time to focus on the futile or fickle things of this world – things like striving for personal-approval online or vanity. Time is running out. Life is too short to get all caught up in my head and forget to see the bigger picture … and God’s perspective.
Lately I’ve felt all bogged down in all kinds of stuff. As I push further into where I feel God calling me, I’ve noticed the battleground changing and the enemy attacking. As I step up a level, the level of attack increases and I’ve never felt quite so exposed. No more exposed than I do in my own mind. And at the moment it’s the place I feel I’m having to battle the most. I’ve said before that the enemy’s greatest tactic is to keep us distracted by ourselves. In our preoccupation, we aren’t advancing for the Kingdom.
And the enemy loves that.
Once we are preoccupied, his work is done.
We do the rest.
In my mind I am my worst critic. I say things to myself that I’d never say to someone else. I’ll be your best supporter and encourager, but never as kind to myself. I analyse and criticise myself to such an extent that it starts to get ridiculous. I need to cut myself some slack. I’ve been on the most incredible journey over this past year discovering who I am in Christ. I’ve received some beautiful promises and prophetic words over my life. And what do I do? Instead of resting in God’s faithfulness, I focus on my own failings. Instead of walking in his love, I still try to walk my own way, listen to my own voice. This is why I keep letting the enemy win. Why is it so much easier for us to give in to doubt and fear, instead of resting in His love and hope? Why is it easier to be distracted instead of devoted?!
As I arrived home I felt really challenged about my own level of devotion. I spent last weekend speaking to some amazing women when I was really speaking to and challenging myself. Another timely reminder on devotion popped into my inbox this week from desiringgod.org:
“As soon as [we] wake, there is a war to keep [us] from the word of God. Fight! This is a daily, constant war for me (author). When I got married, and when I had children, the war got harder.”
As I read through this article I began to realise that the battle isn’t rooted in my mind, but it’s a battle that begins with my heart. Where do my true affections lie? What is my joy? The author continues:
“What are my affections in? If my affections are in my sleep, then I’m going to treasure sleep over the world. If they are in my time, then my time is going to be preeminent over the preeminent one. It’s helpful to identify things that are legitimately good things and opportunities for leisure that [we’ve] made an idol in many ways. What’s at stake is [us] and Jesus being good. If [we’re] not delighting in the word of God, then most likely [we’re] not delighting in God himself.”
The challenge is love: to love the Lord with ALL my heart, with ALL my soul, with ALL my strength. The battle isn’t lost when we wake up more interested in Instagram* than God’s word – it has just begun. My prayer for this week is that I will be too devoted to be distracted. I will fight hard. I will fight long. The victory is already mine, won at the cross, paid for in blood. When all seems lost and when I fail time and time again, I will NOT FORGET.
* Link to an honest post about Instagram I wrote back in February.